PARTS IS PARTS

January 27, 2015

Director: “You ever thought of shaving your head?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Director: “For a part? Would you shave your head for a part?”
Me: “Gosh. I’ve never been asked that question before. I mean…I’ve never thought about it.”
Director: “Well, while you’re thinking on it, think about growing a really big beard too. It’s for a big part. Let me know.”
Me: “I will. And thank you.”

Up until now, as an actor, I’ve never been asked by a director or casting director if I would alter my appearance-so drastically-for a part. And Brother! I mean drastically!

There are many positives to this question being posed to me. First off, I wouldn’t have to audition. The part is mine if I want it. Secondly, I was asked by the director of the project. Thirdly, I would be playing the main character. This would be the biggest part I would have played in my career up to this point. I would have more lines, more camera time than ever before. As an actor, right then and there, that should be the deciding factor. 

It’s not that easy though. 
I have consider so many other factors, the biggest being about money. Will I make enough money to balance out the money I would lose from jobs I will not get because of my appearance?

For the record, I’m not going to have a humpback and Marty Feldman eyes. 

Here’s the conversation I’m having with myself:

ME: “Are there going to be other projects filming at the same time I won’t be able to be part of?”

2ND ME: “I can’t answer that right now. I don’t know.”

ME:  “If there are going to be other projects filming, you would have to audition for them. Right?”

2ND ME:: “More than likely. Yes.”

3RD ME: “How much will the job in which you are going to have to alter your appearance pay?”

2ND ME: “I don’t know.”

ME: “So, if this project is green lit, you are guaranteed the job…as the main character?”

2ND ME: “Yes.”

3RD ME: “How much will it pay?”

2ND ME: “I don’t know.”

ME: “So you are deciding between a job you know you have..."

2ND ME: “If the project is approved and moves forward…”

ME: “…and jobs that may or may not come here that you may or may not have to audition for…”

2ND ME: “YES and...”

ME: “…and that you may or may not get.”

2ND ME: “True.”

3RD ME: “HOW MUCH WILL IT PAY?”

ME/2ND Me: “WE DON’T KNOW!”

3RD ME: “Okay. Geez. Have a cow already.”

ME: “How long will it take to get your appearance to where it needs to be so it can be altered?”

2ND ME: “A long time.”

ME: “A long time? Like ‘long’ as in your appearance may result in you losing more work?”

2ND ME: “Yes.”

3RD ME: (clears throat)

ME/2ND Me: “What?!”

3RD ME: “Nuthin.”

ME: “So you might not work because of your appearance until this high profile job comes around?”

2ND ME: “Yep.”

ME: “And it’s going to take a while to get your appearance to where it needs to be?”

2ND ME: “Uh huh.”

ME: “Well then. Sounds like a no-brainer to me.”

2ND ME: “Okay. Let’s say there are other jobs happening at the same time. What are the chances I will be no more than an anonymous background face?”

ME: “With your track record? I’d said pretty good.”

2ND ME: “Asshole.”

ME: “WHAT? You asked.”

3RD ME: (raises hand to ask question)

ME/2ND Me:  (glares back angrily)

3RD ME: (puts hand down-picks up magazine and skims through it glancing up every now and then)

2ND ME: “I’d rather take a shot at a bigger role with more prestige than a background role.”

ALL: “Not that there’s anything wrong with working background.”

ME: “True. Good point. It will be better material for your reel.”

2ND ME: “I know the questions I need to ask."

ME: “Let me hear them.”

2ND ME: “What network is this going to be one?”

ME: “Good.”

2ND ME: “Are there any chances at all I could be edited out of the episode, or am I really the main character…the subject of the show?”

ME: “I like that.”

2ND ME: “Well, you know how kind editing has been to you in the past.”

ME: “Exactly!”

2ND ME: “And of course, the big one.”

(ME and 2ND ME look at 3RD ME)

(3RD ME is looking at his fingernails. He suddenly realizes eyes are upon him and he looks up)

3RD ME: “What? Me?”
ME: “Yes. It’s that time.”
3RD ME: “Time?”
2ND ME: “Yeah man. Say it.”
3RD ME: “It? Oh. Oh. OH! YEAH. RIGHT!”(clears throat) “How much will we be paid?”

ME: “BINGO!”
2ND ME: “YAHTZEE!”
3RD ME: “COWABUNGA!”
ME/2ND ME: “REALLY?”

So you see. I’ve thought about this a lot. It’s a huge decision to make. 
You know what they say though: 

“Go big or go home.” 

I guess everybody but Weight Watchers says that. That would just make things awkward. 

Just keeping it reel. 

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