The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

January 23, 2015

        Well, I’m doing it to myself again. Just when I thought I had moved past such behavior. I’m right back where I started. I’m agonizing over an audition. Agonizing might be too strong a word. Obsessing. Yeah. That’s much better. I am obsessing over an audition I recently submitted. 

I’m sitting here checking my phone for emails or missed calls. 

I hate this me. I’m neurotic and pouty and nervous and queasy. This must be how Nicholas Cage feels talking to his agent these days. Then again, he’s working pretty regularly. Not turning anything down will result in you working pretty regularly. 

Nick. It’s okay to say ‘no’ every now and then. Really. It is. 

In my defense, the production I auditioned for is pretty big for several reasons. 

The biggest, and most exciting, aspect for me in regards to this production is that it would be my first feature film. To date, feature films have been like Bigfoot to me. I’ve heard about them. I’ve seen articles about them. I have yet, however, to get my hands on one. 

One of my goals for myself as a professional actor in 2015 is to work on at least one feature film. More of course would be nice. I certainly think this is an attainable goal. It’s not like I’m hoping to win a Golden Globe. 

        I’m keeping it real, as the kids say. 

The second reason I really want this job is because it would be an opportunity to work with really good actors. Actors I have only worked with as a background actor. 

Landing this part would be a career high for me and, honestly, a nice little morale boost. I’m not down on myself, mind you. I’m happy. I’ve accomplished a great deal. I’ve grown. 

I’m just saying that my actor’s biological clock is ticking. Think Marisa Tomei stomping her foot on the porch of that cabin. I need to step onto the next level. I’m ready. I want. Neither of those two things guarantee anything. The Universe owes me nothing. I have no expectations. I only have hopes and dreams. 

This feature film, which is shooting here in Richmond, would be validation for me. Validation I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Doing what my heart and gut tells me I need to be doing. 

Who knows? 

It’s so subjective. 

I agonized over just getting my taped audition submission shot. I worried I would have to shoot it on my I-phone and that it would look terrible and I'd have no chance in Hell of getting a part. 

        They probably watched the first two seconds of my three and a half minute long audition, stopped it and then hit the delete button. See! That's the stupid stuff I do. 

I worried about what to wear, how I looked and how I sounded and-SHIT!-everything else I could possibly imagine to worry about. 

It’s sent. There’s nothing I can do now to change that fact. I hit the send button. It’s done. My fate is sealed. 

That happened on Monday. Monday. A whole five days ago! 

GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY! WHAT are they waiting on?

It’s certainly not like I don’t have a million things going on to distract me from the fact I’ve received no word. I’m renovating my kitchen. I am renovating my kitchen. I’m not over-seeing the renovation. I’m ripping and gutting and sanding and painting and the whole time I’m doing all those things I’m thinking “Why aren’t they calling me?”

So, here I sit. A bundle of nerves. Hoping. Convincing myself everything will work out. Trying to sell myself on the idea what is supposed to happen will happen. 

       For the record, I checked my email at least twenty times as I wrote this. 

Just keeping it reel. 

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